GOLDMAN: OPENING POSTED (3m ago) /// CITADEL: NEW ROLE DETECTED (7m ago) /// MCKINSEY: APPLICATION WINDOW OPENED (12m ago) /// THE MARKET IS RIGGED. ADAPT OR DIE. ///
GOLDMAN: OPENING POSTED (3m ago) /// CITADEL: NEW ROLE DETECTED (7m ago) /// MCKINSEY: APPLICATION WINDOW OPENED (12m ago) /// THE MARKET IS RIGGED. ADAPT OR DIE. ///
GOLDMAN: OPENING POSTED (3m ago) /// CITADEL: NEW ROLE DETECTED (7m ago) /// MCKINSEY: APPLICATION WINDOW OPENED (12m ago) /// THE MARKET IS RIGGED. ADAPT OR DIE. ///

THE MARKET IS RIGGED.

LIVE FEED

Most people beg for interviews. You don’t. Bateman detects elite roles early, sharpens your résumé, and submits the application that ends the competition.

CLIENT-SIDE. UNDETECTABLE. MERCILESS.

WHAT BATEMAN
ACTUALLY DOES

01

Uncovers high-value roles before they’re visible to the public.

We don’t scrape job boards. We hit the source — directly — hours before LinkedIn even wakes up.

02

Rebuilds your résumé into a hostile instrument.

We delete the emotional clutter and replace it with quantifiable dominance: deal sizes, velocity, impact, results. The language of people who make decisions.

03

Executes your application client-side with human keystrokes.

No servers. No spam. Just silent, flawless precision — indistinguishable from a very competent human operating at inhuman speed.

RETAIL THINKING VS. INSTITUTIONAL GRADE

THE RETAIL USER

  • Uses ChatGPT to write “passionate” paragraphs
  • Applies through “Easy Apply” with 2,000 other hopefuls
  • Thinks adjectives equal competence
  • Spams résumés like confetti
Status: Desperate.

THE BATEMAN USER

  • Sees elite roles before they’re public
  • Submits résumés that read like deal memos, not diary entries
  • Applies client-side using human-signature keystrokes
  • Rises instantly above the generic, the loud, and the untrained
Status: Predatory.

THE PROTOCOL

THE INTELLIGENCE FEED

We ignore the scraps on job boards. We monitor the direct career portals of elite institutions and detect openings the moment they appear. This is Time Arbitrage — and you have it.

THE SIGNAL LAYER

We recalibrate your résumé using metrics that matter. No adjectives. No begging. Just quantifiable results written in a tone that forces a VP to look twice at 2:00 AM.

THE HYBRID ENGINE

Client-side execution. Human keystrokes. Bot-level discipline. Your application slips through ATS filters like a tailored suit through a revolving door.

THE SIGNAL AUDIT
INPUT // SIGNAL TRACE BATEMAN DIAGNOSTICS • CLIENT-SIDE ONLY
CURRENT RATING
0.0/10
INPUT CHANNEL
>
█
Paste a LinkedIn URL. Bateman will classify your signal.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

(Or: "Questions You Are Afraid To Ask")
THE PHILOSOPHY
Because ChatGPT writes like a desperate intern. It uses words like "tapestry," "passionate," and "collaborative." It signals to recruiters that you are average.

Bateman is fine-tuned on Tier-1 Deal Memos and Buy-Side Analyst Reports. We don't give you "better words." We give you Signal. We strip the "HR Fluff" and inject quantitative impact metrics that bypass the boredom filter of a VP reading resumes at 2:00 AM.

Furthermore: ChatGPT doesn't know about the job that was posted 12 minutes ago. We do.
If you want to spam 5,000 applications and get your email blacklisted by Workday, go use them. That is a "Retail" strategy.

Bateman is a Sniper, not a machine gun. We don't apply to "everything." We identify the specific roles where you have a statistical advantage, and we craft the perfect application for that specific role. We value your reputation, even if you don't.
The market is harsher. We just said the quiet part out loud. If you can't handle a digital critique of your formatting, you certainly can't handle the Investment Committee at Blackstone. Fix the resume, stop crying, and get to work.
THE MECHANICS
No.

"Retail" bots (the ones that get you banned) run on servers that ping LinkedIn 1,000 times a minute. It looks suspicious.

Bateman runs Client-Side (in your browser). To the Applicant Tracking System, you simply look like a very diligent, very fast human being. We mimic human keystrokes. We respect rate limits. We fly under the radar.
We ignore "Easy Apply" (LinkedIn/Indeed). That is where the 99% fight for scraps.

Our Intelligence Feed scrapes the direct career portals of the "Elite Quad":

High Finance (Goldman, JPM, KKR, Citadel)
Big Tech (Meta, Google, Amazon)
Strategy Consulting (MBB)

We find the role before it gets aggregated to the public job boards. We sell Time Arbitrage.
Yes, but not the kind you're used to.

We don't write "Dear Hiring Manager, I love your company."

We write: "Re: Associate Role. 4 years M&A experience. $1.2B in executed deal flow. Modeled complex LBOs under tight deadlines. Attached is the breakdown."

We write letters that get read.
THE FINANCE
No. We are not your mother.

We guarantee we will give you a structural advantage over the 500 other applicants using generic tools. We guarantee we will save you 40 hours of data entry per month. We guarantee you will look more competent than you actually are. The interview is up to you.
It is the price of two cocktails in Manhattan.

If you are hesitating over $49 to secure a $250k+ career, you have already answered why you are currently unemployed: You do not understand ROI.

This is not a subscription. It is an investment in status recovery.